1 00:00:00,900 --> 00:00:05,640 Hello to you. For the eagle-eyed amongst you, you'll notice I'm not at home. 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,040 I'm actually at a therapists' office. For those who said "about time", rude. 3 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:11,960 No, I'm not here for a session, but, um... 4 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:17,080 Well, I can't explain now. Sorry, I'm feeling a little bit anxious. 5 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:20,280 I'm not sure I should have chosen the rocking chair. 6 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,360 It's meant to be relaxing, but, um... 7 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,280 if you get the wrong speed you look a bit manic. 8 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:31,560 Right, let's all just calm down, shall we, and crack on with the show. 9 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,080 That was a lovely loo. 10 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,360 I do like a nice loo. 11 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,920 - Lovely soap. Smell my hands. - I don't want to smell your hands. 12 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,040 - Smell them! - Get off! 13 00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,600 He was on the phone. 14 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,720 Should be here in a mo. 15 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,120 WATER COOLER GLUGS 16 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,720 Sounds like a fart in a bath. 17 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,080 WATER RUNS 18 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:15,520 Oh, oh, help! 19 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:19,240 - The tap's stuck, quick. - Oh, for goodness sake. 20 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,880 Get me another cup! 21 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,440 Get another one... 22 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:28,640 - There aren't any more. - Find a receptacle! 23 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:34,240 Here we are. 24 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,040 That's wicker. It's wicker. Fill that one up. 25 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,920 Hold this. Drink that. 26 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,600 I need to find a receptacle. 27 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,120 Ooh... quick... 28 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,640 I've found a receptacle. OK, right. 29 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,280 Try and switch it off. 30 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,480 - Right, done it... - Oh, good. Oh, phew. 31 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,960 Oh, I've got water in his case! 32 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,120 Hello. 33 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:13,120 You must be Dr Hopkins. 34 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,480 - Good afternoon. - Good afternoon. 35 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,680 Sorry, I was just... 36 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,080 drinking your briefcase. 37 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:21,680 Um... 38 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,120 Which might sound a little odd, it's just that I'd wet the floor. 39 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,840 You know, I hadn't weed on it. 40 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:34,800 Will you shut up? Sorry. Now I just want to say, that we're not here for a session. 41 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,760 It was all a silly misunderstanding. 42 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,840 There was a little what I call, incident, in which the police 43 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:43,720 unnecessarily got involved. Long story, we won't bore you. 44 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:47,800 But to stop Miranda being arrested and charged, 45 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:51,760 I said she was one pashmina short of a wardrobe. 46 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,040 - I'm not. - She's not. 47 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:57,920 But the police insisted we get an assessment from a psychiatrist. 48 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,520 - That's you. - That's you. 49 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,640 They initially put me in touch with one on the NHS. 50 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:10,000 Well, I said, I'm not going NHS, thank you very much. 51 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,440 I mean, what are we, crack whores? 52 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:19,520 So we just need to sit here for the session to tell them we've been. 53 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:20,800 Can we sit anywhere? 54 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,960 Wait, wait, Mum. 55 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:30,280 There are so many chairs, it might be a psychological test which chair we plump for. 56 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,760 Ooh, that's a good word 'plump'. 57 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,440 Plump. 58 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,120 It's a good word, isn't it? I was just saying. 59 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,160 Plump. 60 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,000 Just sit down. 61 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,720 You have a lot o'chairs. 62 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:52,480 Is this one of those ergonomic ones, is it? 63 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:55,160 Up she goes... 64 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,480 And down she blows. 65 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,080 Oh, it's a lovely chair, isn't it? 66 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,240 Hello. 67 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,800 VASE PLAYS 'IN THE MOOD' 68 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:19,840 Oh! 69 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:25,840 Oh, it doesn't stop. It's one of those, you have to wait till it... sorry. I'll just have to let it go. 70 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,720 Oh, such fun. 71 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:47,880 MUSIC STOPS 72 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,640 Oh, comes to a very sudden end. 73 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,600 You made me look like a fool. 74 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,200 For goodness sake, just act normal. 75 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:09,400 It's nigh on impossible to act normal when you're trying to act normal. I'm so self conscious. 76 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,320 I don't know how to sit. 77 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,000 Hands on knees. Legs crossed? 78 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,640 Legs apart? 79 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,200 Sort of feel like I've got too many legs. 80 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,880 - How is that normal? - It's too hard. 81 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:35,280 - Particularly when a psychiatrist is staring at us and not speaking. - Hello again. - Hello! 82 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:42,200 Perhaps we should explain why we're here, in case you were thinking us a little what I call, odd. 83 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,840 Simple story. 84 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:47,320 You see I was at an ice cream van in a park, and this kid ran over 85 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:51,400 my foot with his wheely trainer and I dropped my ice cream. 86 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:57,040 She demanded that this little boy get her a new ice cream, and he exploded into tears just as this 87 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:59,440 very charming man was jogging past... 88 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:02,760 Anyway, the man stopped to see if everything was all right. 89 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:09,120 And to explain why I was cross with this little boy, I told a little lie and said that I was his teacher. 90 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:15,040 Anyway, suddenly the 29 other children from this boy's class appeared demanding ice creams. 91 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,800 Which I had to get them because I was 'the teacher'. 92 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,600 And then the man then jogged on. 93 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:24,560 I said to Miranda, "Quick, jog after him, keep chatting. I'll get the ice creams." 94 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,000 But I didn't follow him. 95 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,480 No, she didn't jog after him, then the real teacher appeared 96 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:34,160 wanting to know why I was buying 29 ice creams for children I'd never met. 97 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:38,040 - So we ran, well, we galloped. - We galloped. 98 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:45,000 Cos it's fun, isn't it? It's fun to gallop. And the children followed us. 99 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,240 The children followed, and then the teacher thought Miranda was trying to kidnap them. 100 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,880 Unfortunately there was a policeman in the area who became very suspicious. 101 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:58,560 Not helped by the fact that the ice cream van was following us because we forgot to pay for the ice creams. 102 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:03,960 Anyway, cut a long story short, once the armed response team had been stood down, 103 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:10,640 we had to go to the station, where I explained Miranda that was one stick of short of a lolly. 104 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,960 Didn't take much convincing. 105 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,200 They thought it was hereditary. 106 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,600 So they let us off as long as we had an assessment. 107 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,280 So, you see, we just need to sit here for the session. 108 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,360 We don't need a, what I call, assessment. 109 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,480 Well, it's also what I call an assessment, isn't it? 110 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,920 We all call it an assessment. 111 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,320 An assessment is an assessment. 112 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,240 SHE SUCKS AIR THROUGH HER TEETH 113 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,920 You'd call it an assessment if you ever spoke. 114 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,200 Ooh, I like these. 115 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,680 Hello, I'm the mammoth one. 116 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:55,520 Hello, I'm the medium one. 117 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,480 And buongiorno, I am the tiny one. 118 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:18,880 Do you have a naval background? Ahar, me hearties. 119 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,920 Aaaaagh! 120 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,160 You are coming across nutty. 121 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:29,160 I will not have him thinking that we have got problems. 122 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,920 Look at him, poised to write in his pad. Just sit quietly. 123 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:35,000 It's not for long. Act normal. 124 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,640 - I was being normal. - You were being a horse with a Russian doll. 125 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,080 - I'm thirsty. - Don't. 126 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,120 Have some coffee. 127 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:06,080 Ooh, it's a very confident jet, isn't it? 128 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,360 Sort of a bit like a horse weeing. 129 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:18,000 A horse has a very brazen wee, doesn't it? 130 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,640 Sorry. Sorry. 131 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,400 Sorry. 132 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,640 So... 133 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:38,440 Oooh, hot coffee! Hot coffee, ooh, that's really hot! 134 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,440 Hot coffee in sensitive parts. 135 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,040 And I hate a wet pant. 136 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,920 I'm going to have to take my trousers off. 137 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,440 I'm so sorry. 138 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,440 I shall use this as a sarong if I may. 139 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,080 That's quite an expensive silk mix throw. 140 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,240 Well, a pair of tough titties to you, sir. 141 00:09:56,240 --> 00:10:00,000 I'm not wandering around in my pants. 142 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:05,200 And if you say you'd rather that than me wearing your silk mix throw, then you are dirty. 143 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,040 Hula hula hula! 144 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,080 Cos of the sarong. 145 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,280 So, Miranda. Question. 146 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:31,720 147 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,560 Just a bit of Beyonce. 148 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,440 Question. 149 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,240 150 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,800 Sorry, that's quite hard not to do, actually. 151 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,560 Interesting. You seem to be avoiding the question. 152 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:49,960 - So, Miranda, do you often lie? - No. 153 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,080 I just did. 154 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:56,120 You are so kind to show an interest, but there's nothing to discuss. 155 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,600 We're only here so we can say that we've been. I'll pay you, of course. 156 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:03,200 In fact, how much do you charge? 157 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,040 It's £200. 158 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,160 BOTH: £200? 159 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,040 £200! 160 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:15,000 £200?! 161 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,520 Should have gone on the NHS. 162 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:22,560 For £200 you should ask him why you mouth certain words. 163 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:25,640 - Although usually you get them the wrong way round. - What do you mean? 164 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:31,960 Well, the other day at the surgery you said, "Wendy has been diagnosed OBESE." She heard. 165 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,480 Well, you mouth words. Say sex. 166 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,360 Sex... Psychiatrist present. 167 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,920 So is there anything you'd like to talk about to make use of this time? 168 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,040 No, no. 169 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,480 Oh, no, no. We don't want to start talking about our childhoods. 170 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:50,080 Particularly Miranda's. Such an ugly baby. 171 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:57,320 Her father insisted we put the Babygros on upside down. 172 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,120 Such fun. 173 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,240 Do you want to talk about that, Miranda? 174 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:07,120 No, no, don't want to talk childhood, "Oh, she got rid of my dog when I was 11." Although you did. 175 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:08,640 Well, it kept pooing in the house. 176 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:13,160 Only because you didn't let her out regularly for what I call pooportunities. 177 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,760 - I could blame you for... - Psychiatrist present. 178 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,840 - What's the problem? - I've got an awkward itch. 179 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,520 I'm going to have to do a fast walk to get rid of it. 180 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:54,000 That's got it! Sorry I was just having a little wander around. 181 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:02,040 We get people in my shop who do a little circular walk like that. We like to call it the sweep browse. 182 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,640 You know when you come in to a shop and you think "This isn't what I was expecting, 183 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:09,880 "there's nothing here that I want, but I can't leave cos that would look rude." 184 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,360 So I have to do this sort of, "Oh, that's nice." 185 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,120 And then go. The sweep browse. 186 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,440 Good word, browse. 187 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,800 Browse. Yeah, she's a lovely word. 188 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,520 See her as a female word. 189 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,800 Thrust... 190 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,320 Male word. 191 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,880 The queen of all words of course, moist. 192 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,400 The king of all words, plinth. 193 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,920 Imagine a moist plinth. 194 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,760 Oh, lovely. 195 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,720 Do you think you could stop talking at some point? 196 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,040 Yes. Easy. 197 00:13:58,800 --> 00:13:59,840 SHE HUMS 198 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,560 No humming. 199 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:03,720 SHE WHISTLES 200 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,240 No whistling. 201 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,720 No pretending you're singing at Wembley. 202 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,000 What are you writing down? And about whom? Act normal! 203 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,640 Stop saying that! I'm just standing here. 204 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,400 Who does he think he is, 205 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,240 thinking that we've got problems? 206 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,680 - He's a complete ARSE. - Wrong way round! 207 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,160 Go and find out what he's written. 208 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,320 Good idea. Cover me. 209 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,680 Me! Me! Look at me! Me. 210 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,200 211 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,680 212 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:13,640 213 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,040 214 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,440 215 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:24,040 216 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:28,280 Just a bit of Noel Gay. 217 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,200 I couldn't read it. It was in shorthand. 218 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,080 Well, if you'd concentrated more at secretarial college. 219 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,120 Oh, here we go. This is the kind of thing. 220 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:45,240 - I didn't want to go to secretarial college. - You can't be happy running a joke shop. 221 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,800 Joke/gift. And yes, I am happy. 222 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,680 35, running a joke shop... 223 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,320 - Joke/gift! - No wonder you can't get a man. - I had a man. Nearly. Gary. 224 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:54,840 But the idiot messed that up. 225 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,800 I don't want to talk about him. I've moved on. 226 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,320 - Is that true? - Absolutely, yes. 227 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,040 I don't think about him. Don't miss him. No. 228 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,400 I mean, if you're asking me if I act out imaginary conversations with him 229 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,360 using a painted plate on top of a mop, then no. 230 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:13,880 KNOCK AT DOOR 231 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,440 - Come in. - Talk of the devil. 232 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:19,520 - What are you doing here? - Sorry, Stevie told me you were here. 233 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:24,200 Look, I know you are in the middle of something but I just couldn't wait to see you, Miranda. 234 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:31,680 I can't handle it if you'll never forgive me. I can't get you out of my mind. 235 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:33,920 I'm in love with you. 236 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,560 - Miranda, will you...? - Miranda? 237 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:52,680 Hm? Sorry. Yes, no, don't think about him. Don't miss him. 238 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,240 And my shop is enough of a career. 239 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,480 - If you call wasting your life a career. - What I call a waste of a life 240 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,400 is you wasting your life worrying about me wasting my life! 241 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,240 - I think we're making progress. - We are not making progress! 242 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,520 We don't need progress or a session. 243 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,040 Act normal! 244 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,800 Maybe it might help if you saw things from each other's perspective. 245 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,720 Perhaps try a bit of role play. 246 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:16,400 - Miranda as Penny, Penny as Miranda... - Fine. Good idea. 247 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,760 - Oh, hello, everybody. - Haven't quite explained... - Don't I look marvellous? - Right. 248 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,720 Look at me, please, I want be the centre of what I call attention. 249 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:31,760 Now, gossip for you, Geoffrey Warburton has been paying for PROSTITUTES. 250 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,680 Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. 251 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:40,320 This is talking without actually saying anything. Rah, rah, rah, ha ha ha ha, 252 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:45,400 hair flick, hair flick, keeping up appearances, envy me, envy me. 253 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:51,760 - I didn't just mean insulting each other. - Well, hello, I'm Miranda. - Oh, dear. 254 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:56,240 I'm just going to waddle over here and waste more of my life. 255 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:01,440 Ooh, you've got nice plums, as it very much were. 256 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,080 Aren't I naughty? 257 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:15,200 Oh, look there's Gary. Isn't he delicious, but not as delicious as this pie. 258 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,480 - Excuse me, what was that walk? - It's a lollop. 259 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,160 - I do not lollop. - You lollop. You are one of life's lollopers. 260 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,440 You should be a lollopop lady. 261 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,240 - Wait for it. - Such fun. 262 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,720 There it goes. Such fun! Have you met my daughter, Miranda? 263 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,320 I have no respect for any of her life choices. 264 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,880 I'm Miranda and although my mother has done 265 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:40,560 everything possible to improve my life, I'm incredibly ungrateful. 266 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:44,840 And very clumsy. Oh, look, here I go falling over again. 267 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,640 Well, that was all very interesting. 268 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:56,000 That is exactly what wasn't meant to happen. We've just got to sit here for a few more minutes. 269 00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,120 - He'll refer us for more sessions if we're not careful. - Best behaviour. 270 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,840 Is that real fruit? 271 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,920 What do you mean? 272 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:16,720 I mean, is that fruit real? 273 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:20,680 I don't know how to make it any clearer. 274 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,520 Is that fruit part of the £200? 275 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,880 £200?! 276 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,960 I suppose it is in a sense, yes. 277 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,840 Oh, well in that case. Excuse me. 278 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,640 Sorry, can I ask what you think you're doing? 279 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:44,400 I'm playing a round of golf. 280 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,960 It's funny because I'm not. 281 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:52,400 - I'm just having a little picnic. Do you mind? - Always been obsessed with food. 282 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,320 I'm not obsessed with food. 283 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,960 And this from the woman who, when mistaken for being pregnant, 284 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:05,280 joined the local mothers-to-be group, because, and I quote, "They have free tea and biscuits 285 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:09,520 "and people randomly feel my breasts. It's the best fun I've ever had." 286 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,600 Mum, you're making me sound weird. 287 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:16,080 You're the one sitting on a psychiatrist's floor having a picnic lunch at four in the afternoon. 288 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,080 Fine. I'll shall eat it later. 289 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,680 I might just have... 290 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,880 a little bit of something. 291 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,800 Actually that would be very... 292 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,520 Can be a bit sticky, can't they? 293 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:36,360 Oooh, nice equipment, if you pardon the, er... 294 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:41,080 Ten-four, copy that, I'm on my way for the drop-off. 295 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,840 - PA: Can I help with anything? - Oh! 296 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,240 Doctor, Mrs Hawtry is here. 297 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,120 And is everything OK? 298 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,280 Can I? 299 00:20:55,280 --> 00:21:00,400 Now listen here, we've taken Dr Hopkins as hostage. 300 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:04,880 We need half a million pounds and if someone comes in this room, we'll blow their brains out. 301 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:10,400 Hang on, did she say Mrs Hawtry? 302 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,080 Excuse me. Hello? 303 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,600 This is very important. 304 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,320 Does Mrs Hawtry have a loud cardigan and a red gin nose? 305 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,680 Umm...yes. 306 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,760 That will be all. 307 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,720 Mrs Hawtry is president of the parish mixed doubles. 308 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,320 I cannot let her see me leaving a therapist's office. 309 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,680 We'll have to climb out of the window at the end. 310 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:37,000 I will not have it going around the tennis club that we've got issues. 311 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,560 We don't. You've got issues. 312 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:43,800 Excuse me, who was the one who presented three chocolate willies at the harvest festival? 313 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,880 - Let's not start. - Fine. 314 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,560 Oh, no. 315 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,880 I've sent the text I was going to send to Stevie about Mum, to Mum. Argh. 316 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,800 PHONE BEEPS 317 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,040 What are you doing? 318 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,720 Oh, it's a text from you. 319 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,360 "Stuck with Mum. Hell on earth. 320 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,320 "Prepare many drinks." 321 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,760 - Interesting. - Doesn't mean anything, does it? Mothers are just annoying. 322 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,440 For no real reason. "Oh, darling, you've bought a new coat." Annoying. 323 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,600 You don't know why. I love you. 324 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,440 Nothing personal. 325 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:25,920 - So, Doctor, tell me, are you married? - Annoyed again. 326 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,440 - You're clearly asking on my behalf. - I'm simply making conversation. 327 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:34,040 - And he's a handsome man in a highly paid profession. - I knew it. This is exactly the kind of thing... 328 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:38,800 - No, no, I can explain. When you have a daughter who has never had boyfriends... - I've had boyfriends. 329 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:43,040 How many times, being flashed at does not constitute a relationship. 330 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,800 - She needs a little bit of help. - I do not need help, thank you. 331 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,720 The people you set me up with are ridiculous. 332 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,200 No offence, I don't mean you. You're lovely. 333 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,600 Just not in a "Mmmm, take me!" kind of a way. 334 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:08,160 Sorry. I'm sure lots of people look at you and go, "Mmmm, take me now!" 335 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,680 But I'm more kind of...hmm. 336 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,360 Sorry, I didn't mean... I mean the other people you try and set me up with. 337 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,000 - Now look what you've done. - What I've done? 338 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,200 Nothing to worry about. 339 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,440 PHONE BEEPS 340 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,680 Oh, it's from you. 341 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,920 "He's a bit smug, isn't he?" 342 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,720 "He" being a friend of ours. 343 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,240 Japanese. 344 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,400 Our Japanese friend is a bit smug. 345 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,800 So you were just thinking about your friend He... 346 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,600 What's his surname? 347 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,200 - Oh, umm... - He. 348 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:01,960 He? 349 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,720 He He. 350 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:05,240 He's a right laugh. 351 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:13,960 And I suddenly thought, "I must tell Miranda how smug He He is." 352 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,040 Right, but with slightly strange grammar. 353 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,680 That's how we say things. 354 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:21,240 Miranda's being a bit silly today, isn't Miranda? 355 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,320 As a random example. Good, that's settled. 356 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:30,680 As long as you're aware that I know you meant me, not your friend He He. 357 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,480 I don't know where you get these things from? 358 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,640 Do you need to see a therapist? 359 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:40,520 Are you always thinking people think you're smug behind your back? 360 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:46,000 - He's paranoid. Classic case. I'm going to write this down in my notepad. - Me too. 361 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:47,720 In fact, role play. 362 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,840 - You sit here. - Yes. 363 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,280 I'm sure that would help you a lot, 364 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,560 because you've clearly got some issues. 365 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,840 - Is this your father? - Yes, it is. 366 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:08,800 - Interesting that you put it on your desk. - Mmmm. Interesting. - Mmmm. 367 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,360 - Interesting. - Mmmmm. - Mmmmm. - Mmmmm. 368 00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,080 I know what you're doing. 369 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:14,960 You're trying to put the focus on me 370 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:19,000 because you're panicking that you've revealed too much about yourselves. 371 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,560 You haven't got us pegged. 372 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:25,160 He's totally got us pegged. 373 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,880 Oh, hello. CD player on pause. 374 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,960 What have you been listening to? 375 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:32,480 Mmmm, interesting. 376 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,880 MUSIC: "Alone" by Heart 377 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,760 Oh! Now, this speaks volumes. 378 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,440 A love ballad, eh? 379 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:01,760 It's fun, isn't it? Shall I see what else they have? 380 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:09,520 - Of course, you learned to dance from me. - No, I didn't. 381 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:15,080 - The only thing I get from you is a feeling of failure, guilt and very large feet. - Where's this coming from? 382 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:20,720 And we tried to get you to swim competitively to make use of the natural flippers God gave you. 383 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:25,200 - No luck there either. - Oh, I'm sorry I've been such a massive disappointment to you. 384 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:30,760 - Look, if you are going to eat, eat some fruit. - Fatist. 385 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,760 She took me to Overeaters Anonymous once. 386 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,080 - Totally unnecessary. - I can explain. 387 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:38,760 Belinda was showing off that Tilly had issues, so I said you did. 388 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:42,680 It seems that the lies we tell end up in a therapy session of one kind or another. 389 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,720 Both the occasions to which you refer were Miranda's problems. 390 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,720 Oh, and who gets me into these scrapes? You do! 391 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:52,440 You can pin all you want on me, but from what you've heard over last half an hour, 392 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:56,040 it doesn't take a genius to work out that Miranda's a bit odd, isn't Miranda? 393 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,080 THEY ARGUE 394 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:03,440 - Let me say a few things to you... - Where do I get it from, do you think? It might be hereditary. 395 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:08,920 - Your father thinks... - I know what he would say because he wouldn't want me to turn into... Jacuzzi! 396 00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,680 We've got to get that notebook. 397 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,080 It doesn't look like shorthand now. 398 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:26,960 Follow me. Pincer movement. 399 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,760 We'll go commando. 400 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,080 Let's hope she doesn't really know what that means. 401 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,240 So, Anthony, 402 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:40,760 if I may... 403 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:42,720 SHE GIGGLES COYLY 404 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,080 What else do you have in your CD collection? 405 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,520 - Give me my pad back! - Oh, I have it now. So, what does it say? 406 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:55,520 Dad...new toaster. Mum...garden knee pad. 407 00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:58,440 Don't forget presents from the pets. 408 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,640 This is a Christmas list. 409 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,160 You drew a cat. 410 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,720 - That's the end of the session. Would you like to book another appointment? - No! 411 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:11,120 What's this shorthand bit? 412 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:13,360 Just some initial thoughts at the top of the session. 413 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,360 Oh, what does it say - I can't wait to draw a kitten? 414 00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:19,520 Well, actually it says... 415 00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:22,160 Mother and daughter. Mother's protective instinct 416 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:26,560 has become dominating, fuelled by fear of how she is perceived by outer world. 417 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:33,440 Daughter seeks mother's guidance and approval as she has yet to find her own voice. 418 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:41,200 Absolute rubbish. 419 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:43,800 - I think he's nutty himself. - Driven wholly by money. 420 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:47,360 - £200?! - Obsessed with his father. 421 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:48,920 Only listens to love ballads. 422 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,960 Very odd. In fact, I think one more before we go, please, Doctor. Hit it. 423 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:54,480 Good idea. 424 00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:57,960 MUSIC: "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen. 425 00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:15,120 Everything all right? Someone thought there might be a hostage situation. 426 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:16,680 Hold on, it's you. 427 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,360 The ice-cream child-catcher lunatics. 428 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:21,320 It's her, she's mad. 429 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,320 430 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,280 431 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:36,680 432 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:39,680 433 00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:42,480 434 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:44,440 435 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:46,800 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net